Chapter Five

 

Ganny’s Gardening Journal

 

May 3

 

It isn’t too early for tomatoes. The dirt is cold on my fingers though.

 

May 4

 

I watched her go with that purple dress and the way he was looking at her. Ah . . . it’s time to move on. It’s time to get out the jar of zinnia seeds I kept from last year. I remember one of them bloomed the color of her hair. If only taking care of a girl like her was as easy as growing zinnias.

 

            The strapless bra kept sliding down her chest. She must have gotten the wrong size, or else it was cheap. It would not stay up. After one dance, she went to the bathroom, took it off, and threw it in the trash can. When she looked in the mirror, she convinced herself that it wasn’t that noticeable. What was worse? A bra around her belly or bouncing boobs? The bouncing boobs won out this time. If she didn’t make expansive gestures, she would be all right.

            But as soon as she came back to the table where Matt was sitting with some of his friends, she noticed the odd look on his face.

            “Uh . . . looks like you lost something,” he whispered to her when she sat down.

            “Well . . it wouldn’t stay up. I”—

            “Hey, I’m not complaining. You’re so gorgeous.”

            Geri felt like everyone was watching her, and Matt had pulled her chair so close to his she was practically sitting in his lap. He put both arms around her and kissed her neck and murmured something she couldn’t catch.

            Another song started, and most of the people at the table cleared out, which was just fine by Geri. Since she was so young, none of her friends were there. She had already  pushed past Johnna on the way to the bathroom. She sneered at her and made a comment about her “handmade dress” to Beth. Geri didn’t take the bait. She wondered what she had ever done to make Johnna hate her so much. And when she thought about Matt, she knew that was enough. He was so handsome, so sweet, so loving. Why didn’t she want to really love him?

            She assumed that Matt thought she was a virgin. He hadn’t pressured her. When they were making out, they would get almost there, and he would stop, even without her saying anything. She wondered if there was something in her body language that told him she didn’t want to go any further. Because she loved kissing him, feeling his warmth, having his hands on her, the feel of his back under his shirt. He was never too rough or too quick.

            She’d had sex before. Why not with Matt? Why not with someone she really loved?

            She didn’t have the answer. All she knew was that something would change, something would be lost if they went that far. Their relationship would never be the same again, and that scared her.

            A slow song started, and Matt pulled her up and they walked out to the dance floor. Before they started dancing, he put his hand behind her head and the other around her back and kissed her deeply. She could feel him get hard against her thigh, and the pressure sent a thrill up her body. She did want him. And still, she always held herself back from him.

            Geri had learned how hard, how dangerous it was to trust someone, to give too much of herself to someone else. Mother, father, stepmother, foster parents, friends . . . they all used her in the end. How could she break the pattern of being resistant? She kept a hard shell around herself. Even Coach Thorpe, as insistent as he could be, had been unable to crack it.

            Geri pulled away from Matt.

            “What’s wrong?” he asked.

            “I’m . . . uh . . . I need something to drink.”

            “Okay, baby. But can you wait a sec. I don’t think I can move just yet.”

            Geri blushed, and he smiled at her.

            “See, look what you do to me.”

            “Sorry,” she whispered.

            “No, you’re not,” he murmured and bent to kiss her again.

            “Stop that or I’ll never get a drink.”

            He laughed and stepped back. “Okay, okay. I think I’m good now.”

            She resisted the urge to look down and turned away toward the refreshment table. He followed, and she noticed that people were watching both of them. We look good together, she thought. They’re all envious. She took a glass of punch and realized she didn’t want to be here anymore. She had somewhat enjoyed seeing the other girls’ dresses and dancing and having Matt’s full attention. But she couldn’t get past the feeling of being too exposed—both physically and mentally.

            When she turned back to the crowded dance floor, she could feel someone’s eyes on her. She looked at the doorway and saw Coach Thorpe standing in it, staring her down. She could never get away from that guy. Why was he looking at her like that? He didn’t seem to realize that she was noticing.

            She tensed and a shiver went down her back.

            “What’s wrong?” Matt asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

            “I don’t know. I think I want to get out of here though.”

            “No problem,” Matt replied quickly. Too quickly, Geri decided. What message am I sending him? she wondered. Too late. He was saying his goodbyes to his friends and leading her out the door in the next minute. They passed Coach Thorpe who had never taken his eyes off her, though he said nothing.

            “I think that guy’s got it bad for you,” Matt said, as they passed Coach Thorpe.

            “What? Coach Thorpe?”

            “Yeah. I’ve seen how he looks at you. There’s something not right about it.”

            “You’re crazy. He just wants a winning team and is obsessed about me making it happen.”

            “Maybe,” Matt said, not sounding convinced.

            Geri thought they would drive to one of their favorite parking spots, down a dirt road and next to a cow pasture that Matt’s uncle owned. Instead Matt drove out of town in the other direction.

            “Where are we going?” Geri asked. She had wanted to leave, but now she wondered where they could possibly go dressed as they were.

            “It’s a surprise.”

            When they pulled into the parking lot of the Holiday Inn in the next town, Geri felt all her defenses shoot up around her.

            “Give me a chance to explain,” he said, when he parked the car and looked at her. “I got us a room, but we’re not going to do anything you don’t want. I promise. I just didn’t want this to be like all the other nights we spend together in this car. I just wanted us to have some room to breathe. We can have something to drink, even watch TV if you want.”

            Yeah right, Geri thought. Protesting seemed ridiculous. She had no reason to mistrust Matt. She felt safe with him. And . . . she really didn’t know what she wanted. Maybe she would figure it out before the night was over.

            “What’s the number?” she asked, getting out of the car.

            He seemed surprised at her change of mood. He jumped out and came around to close her door. He pulled a key card out of his pocket and led the way.             He had come by earlier and left some snacks and a bottle of champagne in the room.

            “Have you had champagne before?”

            Geri had. She’d tried all manner of alcohol. But she wasn’t going to tell him that. “Nope. Is it good?”

            He popped the cork on the bottle and they laughed as he filled the glasses before it could all spill on the bright green carpet. The room was very cold with the air conditioning turned up high. The large queen-sized bed took up most of the floor space, and even though there were two chairs to sit in, neither one sat down.

            He handed her the glass, and she noticed his eyes on her breasts. It was so cold in the room, her nipples were pressed clearly against the purple satin material of her dress.

            The champagne flowed smoothly down her throat, too sweet but refreshing.

            “Sometimes I forget how old you are. How can you just be fifteen?” Matt asked, out of the blue.

            “I guess since I was born fifteen years ago,” Geri said, trying to keep the mood light. She took another drink of the champagne and wandered over to the TV, idly looking at the channel guide.

            “You know what I mean. You could pass for twenty.”

            He came up behind her and put his arms around her, pulling her back against him.

            “For some reason, I can’t keep my hands off you tonight.”

            “If Ganny knew where we were right now, she’d cut your hands off.”

            Matt giggled but tensed up too. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

            Geri pulled away and held out her glass. “Pour me another one.”

            Since puberty, people had noticed the way Geri looked, the curve of her hips, the swelling of her breasts, the shapeliness of her long legs. She had let people see what they wanted and not allowed it to change her. Somehow, she had been able to get her way in this life, even when nothing really went her way. How had that happened? And what did she want now? She knew what Matt wanted. There was no question about that, no matter how much he denied it or talked about doing only what she wanted.

            And why didn’t she want the same?

            She still had no answer. Sometimes her body felt foreign to her, as if it had a life of its own independent of her mind.

            Matt had gone to the bathroom, and Geri downed another glass of champagne. She walked over to the bottle and poured another glass. Her head felt as if it were floating independent of her body

            She didn’t like the feeling. She wanted to be in control, and she realized she was losing it.

            When Matt came out of the bathroom, Geri was on the edge of the bed. He knelt on the floor before her and gently pulled her legs apart so he could nestle up against her, his head right between her breasts. She put her arms around him and played with his hair. He began to kiss her chest and his hand came up to cup her breast. He groaned, and she found herself pulling him up to her, pulling him over her as she lay back on the bed.

            He was so hungry for her, and she for him. They kissed, almost roughly, and Geri’s head swum with the intensity of the feelings the touch of his tongue provoked in her. His hands were moving her dress up her body, exposing her bare legs, her lacy underwear, her bare breasts. When his lips encircled her nipple, she thought she would pass out. They had done this before, but never had it felt this good. She began pulling at his shirt, and he stopped momentarily to unbutton it and fling it across the room. His chest hair rubbed against her and aroused her even more.

            He took her other breast in his mouth and one hand moved across her hips, stopping at her underwear, fingers moving underneath and feeling her. She cried out, and the sound seemed to affect him deeply.

            “Geri,” he said hoarsely, “Tell me. Tell me what to do. What do you want?”

            Oh, everything, she thought. I want everything. And I don’t deserve it.

            The last thought brought her up cold. She felt the champagne gurgling in her belly begin to rise up her throat, and she hastily pushed him away and ran to the bathroom.

            When she finally came back out, he was dressed and leaning against the bathroom doorway.

            “Are you okay?”

            “I’ll be all right.”

            “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you drink that champagne. It can be deadly if you’re not used to it.”

            She had a hard time looking him in the face. She knew she had disappointed him, that the night was over. Her mouth felt raw and dry. He held out a glass of water, and she eagerly drank it.

            “Not exactly the night you had planned, I guess,” she said.

            He didn’t answer at first. Finally, he said, “No. I didn’t realize you were such a tease.”

            As soon as he said it, he must have known how bad it sounded. Geri swept past him and out the door as he tried to protest.

            “Listen, I didn’t mean that. Come on. Let’s talk about this,” he said, as he trailed her to the car.

            “Just take me home.”

            “No, we need to talk about”—

            “No! I need you to take me home.”

            They barely spoke all the way to her house. He kept trying to apologize, and she kept telling him to shut up, that her head hurt, and she might be sick again.

            When he pulled in the driveway, he barely had the car in park and Geri got out.

            “Don’t come,” she said. “Just don’t.”

            He had already opened his door and was standing near it.

            “You’re acting like a child,” he said to her as she ran toward the house.

            “Maybe I am!” she shouted back at him, before a sob broke through.

            He said something else but she didn’t catch it as she ran inside the house and closed the door behind her, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness. Ganny had forgotten to leave a light on.

Chapter Six

 

            Not long after Geri and Matt started dating, she and Johnna got in a fight. During track practice, Geri could feel some kind of weird hateful energy building up. She could feel it inside herself, and she started to see it on Johnna’s face. And it didn’t help that Coach Thorpe kept at Geri like she was his only athlete.

            Sometimes when Geri saw him coming toward her, she thought of a wrecking ball with a novice operator. Every new demand or goal he set for her felt like a blow to the chest. She could feel his expectations slam into her stomach sometimes—as concretely and powerfully as if she had really been hit by that wrecking ball.

            He’s like a wrecking ball, she had told Bird once.

            “Demolition Man to your immediate right. Keep trucking,” Bird said as they jogged around the track. “Man, Geri, the guy has it in for you.”

            “Uh . . . you think?”

            “If he pushed the rest of us the way he does you, he wouldn’t have a damn team. I mean, hey, we’re not a bunch of wilting flowers or anything, but we’re not begging for punishment either.”

            “I guess he considers it coaching not punishment,” Geri said, trying to keep her voice calm.

She had a lot of trouble thinking about her relationship with Coach in a rational way and never liked talking about it. Her heart thumped against her ribs in a mighty effort to keep her legs going. She had already lapped Beth and Johnna once, but that wouldn’t be enough for him. He would frown at her if she didn’t push herself to her absolute limit.

            “Oh get real, Geri. The man’s evil with four big-ass capital letters. If he had gotten you to play on the varsity team this year, you would be dead meat by now.”

            Bird flung back her long black braid and accidentally hit Geri on the chest with it.

            “Sorry,” Bird gasped. “I can’t keep up anymore. Go ahead.”

            Bird’s pace slowed, and Geri, catching Coach’s eye on her, picked up the pace and tried to appear energetic, even though a pain had started in her side, and her calves burned for relief.

            “That’s right. Quit draggin’ your butt, Tang. Can’t stay in peak condition if you don’t work at it!” Coach hollered from across the football field.

Geri winced as she heard an exhausted laugh from Bird, fading away behind her. As if she weren’t in peak condition. She was so peaked she probably had a point on the top of her head. Sometimes she felt like her whole life had become an athletic event.

She hated being called “Tang,” but after all, her dead absent mother had named her Tangerine, and Coach didn’t seem to care that it irritated her. He wanted her to quite the ninth grade basketball team to play with the varsity, Geri had considered it. But she figured she wouldn’t get as much playing time. She played every minute of every game with the ninth graders. She liked that. So she was her own worst coach in some ways.

            When basketball season was over, with her team only losing two games (and they were to the same team) all year, she had gone out for the high school track team. Coach had mentioned it, but the decision was Geri’s. She wanted to keep in shape since basketball season was over. No one had to push her in to that decision. Which didn’t mean Coach was any easier on her. He did push her—harder, longer, and with more energy than he did any of the other girls. At first Geri had questioned his zeal, but after a while—when she saw how it made her a better athlete—she stopped caring.

            She still wondered about their relationship, but it was another one of those problems that she didn’t think she had the resources or the energy to try and deal with. After all, Coach had solved so many problems for her in her past. No need to overanalyze things now.

            No need to worry about motivation. Motivations scared her—they were such a hidden thing, and in her experience, full of deceit and lies. It was easier to judge someone just based on their actions toward you. When you had to start prying into the reasons for why people acted like they did, well, then everything got too complex. It was better to deal with what pressed on her at any given moment. Leave the psychologizing to people who wanted to study such things. Geri’s life had been studied upside down and backwards by those kinds of people, and no one had ever given her a decent explanation of what had happened to her yet. She had no faith in explanations and couldn’t write a decent English paper because of it. She stuck with outcomes.

            “Make way for the hotshot,” Johnna said to Beth as Geri neared them on her way to lapping them for the second time.

            Johnna, two inches taller than Geri, stood six-feet-tall and was as solid as a telephone pole. But she was pretty in a tomboyish way with dark brown hair and eyes and skin the color of copper. For some reason, she didn’t like Geri, and again, Geri didn’t try to figure out why, though she knew that Johnna and Matt had dated the year before. Maybe that was the only reason Johnna needed. Matt had been the one to break up with her.

            Getting too close or too worked up about Johnna would only cause trouble. And Geri was trying to avoid that. When she first started school at Fishinghawk, she had been in fight after fight. Look at her sideways and she punched you. She didn’t want to talk or listen. Everything was action. And violent, too.

            “Careful, she’s smoking us now,” Beth said. “Might burn us up if we don’t watch out.”

            Johnna had the brawn and Beth tried to be the brain. She had an evil mouth and a reputation for spreading gossip and starting fights that she always somehow managed to back out of with her pride intact. Geri particularly liked to keep her distance from Beth because even though she didn’t relish a fight with Johnna, she hated even more the idea of Beth getting the better of her in a mind game.

            Geri swung wide when she got close to the girls and managed to surprise them enough to avoid any contact. She refused to look at them, even when both called her a “sick bitch” in a low voice only she could hear.

            Geri would have liked to have gotten along with everyone, especially her teammates, but she knew that would never happen. There was something about her that put other girls on the defensive, that made them take an instant dislike to her.

            Only Bird had been different.

            “One more fight and you’re out of school for good—you know that?” Bird had told her the year before. “After three suspensions, you’re toast.”

            She’d been warned before though not cautioned of becoming toast—the principal, the counselor, the occasional teacher that liked her, Ganny, Matt, and last but not least at all —Coach Thorpe. People could have gotten rich if they’d been paid for issuing warnings to Geri.

            Geri was used to warnings. Living in foster homes did that to a person, she supposed. But warnings had no effect because she had to be concerned with her own survival. Survival and a little security—they forced you to stand up for yourself, even if that meant striking out when you could have just stood still.

            Geri knew she was like her mother in one way though—she had never been one to stand still. Geri’s mom Denise was so good at movement, no one ever really figured out where she was. Geri had quit caring a long time ago. It was easy to do; Denise left Oklahoma when Geri was five and hadn’t been back since.

            One more lap around the track and Geri could no longer feel her legs. Coach hollered for them to hit the showers and Geri limped off the track. No matter what her physical condition, she always thought it could be better. No matter how long she had been running, she cursed herself when she had to quit. She wanted to go on forever.

            Bird was coming out of the locker room as Geri opened the door.

            “Hey, you’re finished early,” Geri said.

            “Got a dentist appointment. Mom’s picking me up,” Bird said, as she tucked her pink shirt into her jeans.

Shorter and more slender than Geri, Bird was always dressed impeccably, and Geri was sure, she’d be voted Best Dressed every year until she graduated. No competition. Geri thought Bird could be a model; she had a natural kind of poise with very dark, almost black, Cherokee eyes, and a way of holding herself that reminded Geri of that famous Indian ballerina Maria Tallchief. Noble. Bird’s real name was “Roberta,” but it had been shortened long ago by her younger brother’s inability to say all three syllables.

            “Seems like I’m always the first one out there running my ass off and the last one dragging it to the locker room,” Geri said.

Her shoulders hung with a depression that was familiar to her. And just as familiar was the fact that it had no clear cause.

            “Yeah, good thing, you don’t have to go straight to class.”

            In the distance, the school bells rang for the lunch period. A few more girls trickled out of the locker rooms, and Bird started running toward the parking lot.

            “I’m coming over tonight to get that Queen tape,” she yelled to Geri. “I’ll get some blank cassettes at Wal-Mart.”

            Geri nodded though Bird was already turned away. She wanted to sit down right there and just sink into the grass and forget the rest of the day. She had a sudden brilliant urge to walk away and to keep walking, heading out highway 412, catching a ride with a trucker headed to Little Rock. Then she remembered that it was Friday and she and Matt were going to the movies later. Can’t skip town when I have a date, can I?

            Inside, the locker room was almost deserted. In fact, the only girls remaining were Johnna and Beth. They were both in the showers, composed—as Fishinghawk High School was still in the dark economic ages with girls’ sports—of one big communal room with no curtains and no privacy. They stopped talking when Geri walked by the entrance to the showers.

            Though her stomach growled, Geri decided she would skip lunch if she had to. She would wait until the two queens left the showers before she would go in. She opened her locker, sat down on the bench in front of it, and started taking off her shoes.

            Both girls were juniors and Johnna already a star on the basketball team. Maybe they resented Geri’s only being a freshman; everybody knew how Coach had tried to get her to play varsity that year. And she would definitely be on the team next year. Maybe, Geri thought, they were threatened by her. Johnna was a star center—Geri wouldn’t be taking her place—but Beth played point guard, Geri’s position, and though Beth was good, Geri knew she was even better.

            “Guess she won’t be running that 200 anymore—bad as she got nailed at Union. Coach said you better run it from now on—even if you think you’re injured.”

            “What do you mean think?”

            The water went off in the showers, and Geri could clearly hear Johnna talking about last week’s track meet. Geri had been scheduled to do three events—which she thought was plenty. And then, at the last minute, Coach had told her to get ready and run the 200, a race she hadn’t trained for at all. Apparently, their star 200 runner, Beth, had suddenly complained of shin splint pains.

            Geri stood up, feeling her blood pressure begin to rise. They only reason Beth had begged out of that race was because Union had the state champion 200 runner on its team, and so far that season, Beth had been undefeated. She wanted to keep it that way—even if it made someone else look bad. Someone like Geri. Coach would make her run the race; she was always the one made to do more than anybody else. She also could never say “no” to him.

            “I just can’t believe she was that slow,” Beth said now. “Maybe it was those big boobs of hers holding her back.”

            Automatically, Geri looked down at her chest. Maybe rich women liked putting those implants in themselves, but Geri would have liked to take a little of hers out. She wasn’t bordering on Dolly Pardonish, but she was certainly more developed than most fifteen-year-olds or even eighteen-year-olds for that matter.

            “Hey Tiny Tits,” Geri said to Beth as the two girls stepped out of the shower stall. “If you hadn’t been such a pansy, you wouldn’t have had to worry about what was holding me back. Knowing I will probably lose doesn’t hold ME back.”

            Beth seemed surprised. She was always making off-hand comments and Geri had never called her on them. Johnna turned to Geri and smiled, which seemed to increase Beth’s confidence.

            “Are you making up excuses now?” Beth asked, taking a reassuring glance at Johnna.

            This from the queen of excuses, Geri thought. She stared at Beth whose blue eyes and blond hair first gave the impression of beauty queen, but when you got close you saw the emptiness in the eyes and the brown roots under the dye job. Geri’s stomach rumbled again—this time the hunger mixed with disgust. Beth really wasn’t worth it.

            Bird briefly crossed her mind. Bird stuck to her close since they had become such good friends. She was like a little voice of reason always humming in her ears. Stay calm. Walk away.

            Beth rolled her eyes and turned away, muttering something that sounded like “Wimp.” Johnna laughed.

            Geri could feel a blindness sweep over her, emptying her head and filling it so quickly with a familiar black space. In the years when she was adrift, floating from foster home to foster home, she had learned the ability to empty herself, let who she was float away and allow the black emotion to ease over her like water filling a creek bed after a downpour.

            “How about you make up some excuse so I don’t knock you on your sorry ass?” Geri said.

            “Ooh, don’t get your panties in a twist,” Beth said, still smiling, though she backed up a few steps. “I was only making an observation, one I’m sure Coach has made, too.”

            “A correct one—you have to admit,” Johnna added.

Though naked, Johnna didn’t seem embarrassed at all—unlike most girls who skipped taking a shower after practice because of the lack of privacy. Perfume and body spray were necessary components of everyone’s locker.

            Beth had already pulled on her underwear, bra, and shirt.

            “Aren’t you taking a shower?” Johnna asked Geri, who was still deep in that black space, unable to really respond. The light coming in from a window behind her must have hidden her expression from Johnna, who didn’t seem concerned. “Here,” Johnna said, “You can use my towel.”

            She threw, not tossed, the towel, at Geri, and it landed with a sharp smack across her face. Something wrapped inside the towel clunked to the concrete floor.

            Geri rushed at Johnna and Beth squawked in surprise but Johnna was ready. Geri felt a large hand against her neck, the nails scraping her skin, as she hit at Johnna. She was too unfocused to be able to fight well, but she had intensity on her side and she struck out quickly and continuously.

            The concrete floor was slippery from the water, and Geri lost her footing and brought Johnna down with her. Her face and neck felt raw, and now Johnna was pulling her hair. A girl for you, Geri managed to think, before the blackness in her head filled the room.