Chapter Fifteen

 

Geri’s Diary

            What I like most of all is the sound of it. The way it hits the dirt with a hollowness. Like someone getting the wind knocked out of her. Or like your heartbeat when you put your hand over your chest. You’ve been running hard, long and hard and fast.

            And then I like the feel of it, too. Smooth, only slightly bumpy, as you twirl it in your hand, hold it against your side. Planning the approach to the basket and then following through with that plan.

            Wind in your hair when playing outside. The way it rustles up your shirt. How your collar starts to stick to your neck with the sweat. And the ball smoking up dust with each dribble. You’re in a cloud but steady and focused, like the eye of a storm. Like a tornado intent on its streamlined, one-track purpose.

            Sometimes at night I come out and keep company with the moon. If no one bugs me, I can get that feeling. The one where the world starts collapsing around you and the moon expands until it fills the whole sky, not the sky above you but the whole sky and everywhere you look is moon. Till there’s nothing but you and the moon, round and close and obvious. A part of you.

The OSU women’s basketball coach came down in the locker room after their first game. It was a tough one, but the team managed to pull it out and win by three points. The locker room was full of the noise of relieved and happy girls, and Geri was certainly one of them.

Any time Coach Thorpe needed to come to the locker room, he always had to send someone ahead of him and make sure everyone was decent. The OSU coach just opened the door and walked right in.

Johnna was the senior, the one you would think she would be the most interested in. After all, she was taller than Geri and pretty good, too. Though Geri had surpassed her mid-season in her points average, Johnna was still getting scholarship offers, too. But not one from OSU as of yet. That was probably another strike against her, Geri thought. Johnna was jealous of her being with Matt and of the attention she was getting from the colleges.

The coach searched the room that had suddenly got very quiet. Then she spotted Geri.

Geri was sitting on the bench talking to Bird. Neither had noticed the coach come in because Bird was trying to relieve the tension Geri was feeling about seeing Matt in just a few minutes. She had had no time to see him before the game, but they were spending the night in Stillwater, and she knew he had been up in the stands somewhere, although the gym was so huge, she hadn’t even tried to pick him out.

“Number 24. Good to meet you,” the coach said, holding out her hand.

Geri stood up and shook it. Everyone knew who the coach was. She didn’t need to introduce herself.

“So you’re just a sophomore?”

Geri nodded, overwhelmed. She had talked to some scouts and other college coaches. But this is the one that meant so much. She wanted to come to OSU.

“Got good grades?”

When Geri didn’t answer right away, Bird chimed in for her.

“3.4. Honor roll and all that.”

Coach smiled at her and looked back at Geri. Geri could feel her face getting bright red.

“Well, I’m looking forward to seeing your next game. You’re fast, a good shot, seem to have a lot of self-control . . . and maybe not done growing yet, huh?”

She smiled and just like that turned away and headed out the door before Geri could think up a response. Most of the team—all but Johnna and Beth—threw their towels at Geri and wwhooped it up, patting her on the back, chanting, “Geri’s gonna be orange and black, Geri’s gonna be a Cowpoke.”

Geri let them have their fun and then turned to Bird. “I’m such an idiot. I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say.”

“Ah, just as well. She doesn’t want any mouthy players, just ones who can play.”

Geri smiled. “What’s with that 3.4? She can check, you know.”

“But she won’t. Not yet anyway. Give you time to really get it up there.”

“Fat chance. I couldn’t write a decent essay or solve an equation to save my life.”

A couple of the team trainers came in, and they overheard one of them saying that some Fishinghawk guys were standing around outside the door.

“Matt’s out there, Johnna,” one of them said.

“So?” Johnna said and ducked into the bathroom.

The trainer shrugged and some of the girls whispered something and looked Geri’s way.

Geri could hear someone say, “That’s old history, man. Who else is out there?”

“I can’t believe my parents are here,” Bird said. “I’m sure it’s so exciting to see me warming the bench the whole game.”

“It’s a support thing,” Geri said. “Besides, next year you’ll be playing. And we need you anyway. What if I broke my arm or something. You are the reason we’re here, pulling out that Salina win.”

“Yeah, right. Just luck. If you broke your arm, we would all just give up and go home.”

“Har. Har.”

Geri finished combing her hair and looked at herself in the mirror. She had on a pair of chocolate brown corduroy pants and a light yellow shirt that laced up the front. Coach wouldn’t allow them to wear jeans at away games, and while some of the girls wore dresses or slacks, Geri’s nod to dressing up only extended itself to corduroys. In fact, that was the pant of choice with most of the girls: Corduroys in all colors—red, pink, black, grey.

Fishinghawk girls weren’t exactly rural rednecks with no fashion sense, but they didn’t tend to dress up a lot. Most of their clothes came from Wal-Mart or the Sears catalogue. In fact, that’s how Ganny got anything Geri needed: She handed her the catalogue and told her to turn down the pages when she found what she needed. Then she made the phone call herself.

“Time to face the music,” Geri said, picking up her gym bag.

“You make it sound like a death sentence, when any girl would be freakin’ hysterical to walk out there and see Matt Roberts waiting on them.”

“We have a lot to talk about, and I’m not looking forward to it.”

“I know.”

Geri had told Bird a little about what had happened on prom night and a little about her past—it was a start, and it was easier than she had thought it would be. Bird was especially adept at listening and not judging. Geri always knew this about her, and it was still hard to confide in her.

“Well, you got about an hour is all,” Bird said. “Coach said after watching this next game, we’re going to load into the bus and head to the motel.”

She took a breath, adjusted her bag on her shoulder and walked out the door and up a ramp to the hallway. He was standing about twenty yards away, leaning against the wall, talking to . . . her dad.

“Shit,” she mumbled and stopped, watching them. Scott seemed very animated and was doing most of the talking. Matt was smiling slightly. He looked wonderful in dark jeans and a long sleeved black t-shirt and leather jacket. His black hair looked uncombed and perfect. As she took him in, he looked her way and said something to Scott and then came up to her.

              “You don’t have to talk to him,” she said.

              “Hello to you, too.”

              “Sorry. I just can’t believe he’s irritating all of my friends now.”
              “He’s not irritating me. Do you want to say anything to him?”

              “No, I don’t. Let’s go.”

              But then he was right there beside Matt.

              “Hi, Geri. Great game. It seemed like you all had them the whole time, but the score was close, wasn’t it?”

              “Yeah, I guess so,” Geri said. “Well, we have to go.”

              “Sure, just wanted to say hi.”

              “Good to meet you, Mr. Trenton,” Matt said, shaking his hand.

              “You too, Matt.”

              Geri turned away before he could offer his hand or a hug or whatever to her. Matt caught up with her and slipped her bag off her shoulder and put it on his.

              He seemed about to say something but thought better of it. Geri gave him some points for that.

              “So, a little Bird told me you all were leaving for the motel after this game.”

              “Yeah, she’s sneaky like that.”

              “The student union isn’t that far away. Wanna walk over there and get some hot chocolate or something?”

              They passed a few Fishinghawk fans who stopped to congratulate Geri and ask about their next game. It took fifteen minutes to get out of the gym.

              “I can already see your name on the new town sign they’ll be putting up in a few years. Fishinghawk, home of world-famous basketball star Geri Trenton.”

              They walked out into the frigid night air, laughing and Geri zipped up her coat.

              They weren’t even all the way across the parking lot before Matt said, “This is crazy. It’s too cold out here to walk across campus.”

              Geri pulled her coat up around her face and hopped back and forth, trying to stay warm.

              “My car is just a block away. We can drive somewhere.”

              “I don’t have a whole lot of time left already.”

              “No, I guess not.”

              They both looked around them as if someone else would solve their dilemma for them.

              “Maybe we could just sit in it and talk a while. I’ll turn the heater up full blast.”

              “Okay,” Geri said, ready to agree to anything that would get them away from the cold wind. It was too hard to think when she was this cold.

              But as soon as they were inside and the heat was warming her toes, Geri made a decision. It didn’t seem like a great time or place to pour out her heart, but she didn’t know when the time and place would be right anymore. She had to take the chance.

              “About prom night”—

              “Listen, I know that was stupid”—

              “Just shut up and listen, okay?”

              She was glad the gear shift and cup holder separated them. She needed to have this distance in order to speak.

              “What freaked me out wasn’t you or the champagne really or anything that you did or said. It just . . . it just got me all of a sudden that you probably thought I was . . . that I was something I’m not. I’m not a virgin and haven’t been for a long time. Okay. I . . . had sex when I was twelve and then . . . well, let’s just say, after that, it didn’t seem to matter what I wanted. It was like I was marked . . . And then I was raped. Two different foster fathers. Others. I kept running away. And no place was ever right. I couldn’t hide, couldn’t hide that everybody always thought I was older than I was. Or maybe it didn’t matter to them.”

              She took a breath, a pause that made Matt think he needed to speak.

              “Geri, I’m sorry. I don’t know”—

              “Let me finish. This is hard enough without you interrupting.”

She knew she must sound hysterical. Blurting all this out without any kind of lead up to it. It had been at the front of her mind more than she realized.

“When I came to Ganny’s, I left all that behind me. Well, I can’t leave this body behind. I can’t leave myself behind. I just tried to put all that in the past, all that . . . I can’t even call it sex. There’s no name for it. It’s weird—in a way, I guess I thought I was having a second childhood with Ganny, a real childhood.”

              Geri could feel tears threatening to come. She didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want Matt to feel sorry for her. That’s why it was so hard to tell him this. But she thought he needed to know. And she found that she had suppressed it so effectively that she was surprising herself with each sentence that came from her mouth.

              “Now, it’s almost too hot in here,” she said, pulling off her coat.

              “Oh, sorry.” Matt adjusted the heater and looked at her, a question in his eyes.

              She didn’t know what the question was, but she wasn’t ready for him to talk.

              “So that night, that night with you . . . I really, really . . . wanted you, like I never have with anyone. And it scared me. I realized I wasn’t ready to go there again. It felt like I was losing control of myself, like I was giving away a part of myself that I couldn’t afford to give up. I don’t know how to explain it. And I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I hope you don’t. I don’t want whatever I say to make you feel like you have to protect me or be all like walking on glass around me or something. I’m trying to tell you how I feel.”

              “You’re doing a good job of that,” Matt said, after she had paused. “That’s all I want to hear. Whatever you want to tell me. It won’t make me think or feel something I don’t already.”

              How did he get to be so nice and mature? Geri wondered. What if they didn’t get back together now? How could she live with that? Everything in her wanted him to touch her, and she had to look away from him.

              “Everything feels so hard right now. Talking about what happened to me years ago. Having to deal with my father who’s never been one, worrying about Ganny getting old, worrying about what Coach Thorpe is going to make me do next, wanting to win, wanting so much . . . it’s all hard. Sometimes I just want to give up on it all.”

              Geri’s last sentence surprised her even more than anything else she had said. Give up? When she said it, an image of the creekbed came to her, the stones she had marked, the place where Louise had gone in. She shivered and looked back at Matt.

              He was fully turned in the seat toward her. It was dark and she couldn’t see his face very well. One hand was on his knee, the other on the steering wheel.

              “If you feel like that again, will you call me? Will you talk to me?”

              She nodded and glanced at the clock on the dashboard.

              “I better get back.”

              “I wish we had more time. I can’t come down this weekend, but next weekend I can. Can we go out?”

              “Yes,” Geri said immediately. “You’re not seeing anybody else?” She thought of Johnna and the girl she had seen him with at the convenience store that night.

              “No. It was over with Johnna a long time ago. There’s nobody.” And then he added, “Nobody else.”

              He turned off the truck, and she said, “Why don’t you just drive me over and drop me off at the door.”

“Oh, I was going to come back in with you.”

              “I would rather you didn’t.”

              He looked hurt, but he started the truck and put it in gear.

              “It’s not because I don’t want you to.”
              She knew it wasn’t much of an explanation, but how could she tell him in the few minutes they had left that being with him in public, walking down the hallway, sitting in the bleachers . . . it was too much and not enough at the same time? She didn’t really understand it herself.

              He stopped at the entrance to the gym and put the truck in park. When she got out, he was already at her side.

              He put both his hands on her arms. “Who you are right now, nothing about the past, nothing of the future. Who you are now—that’s the girl I love.”

              Geri could feel herself melting, the tears that wouldn’t come earlier, now suddenly blinding her. She found herself leaning toward him, losing herself in his embrace. Losing herself. She let the feeling sink in to her bones. And she begun to wonder if she weren’t using the wrong verb. Losing.

Chapter Sixteen

              In the morning, there was a letter waiting for Geri at the motel desk. It felt quite strange. She hadn’t stayed in many motels in her life, and she certainly hadn’t ever had a message waiting for her at one.

              It was a note from Matt.

Hi Geri,

I’m glad we got to talk a little last night, even if it wasn’t long enough.

 

What I wanted to ask you last night was if you had ever gone to the police about your foster fathers. You could still do it. I would help you, go with you, whatever you need. I just wanted to let you know that.

 

I would skip class and come to your game today, but we have a test. I’ll come over right afterwards, and hope you will still be there.

Love,

Matt

              Geri carefully folded up the letter and put it in her pocket. It truly never occurred to her to do anything about those men. When it happened, she was too young, and when she got older, she must have . . . felt some guilt, felt somehow at fault, too. If she didn’t look the way she did . . .

              As if to confirm exactly what she was thinking, two guys walked out of the motel office just then and whistled at her.

              “What a rack,” she heard one of them tell the other.

              She wished she knew karate, she would have taken some sort of flying kicking leap at the back of their heads. Instead, her anger mixed with guilt and she spun around to return to the motel room. And walked right into someone’s chest.

              “Hey, slow down!”

              Geri stepped back, her face burning with embarrassment. Coach Thorpe had her by the arms and was watching her.

              “Sorry,” she managed to mumble.

              “You okay? What are you doing out here this early?’

              “I . . . the red light on our phone was beeping this morning. We—I—had a message. I just went to get it.”

              “Oh. Who were those guys?”

              He let go off her arms, or rather she finally forced her way out of his grip.

              “Just the assholes of the day.”

              She reddened again. She didn’t think she had ever spoken like that around Coach. But he just laughed. “Lot of that going around. That’s why I have to keep an eye on you girls.”

              Where were you when I could have used it? Geri thought. She snuck a glance at Coach and saw that he was frowning, probably working up to say something that was uncharacteristic for him. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it.

              “Today is gonna be tough. That center they have will eat us up if we don’t stay on her. How are you feeling?”

              “Sleepy.”

              “Talked to your dad last night. Did you see him?”

              Geri nodded and didn’t volunteer anything more.

              “Were you with him after the game? I noticed you weren’t sitting with the other girls.”

              “No. I was talking to Matt.”

              She saw no reason to lie.

              “I thought that was over. Are ya’ll just friends?”

              “Yeah, uh, I don’t know. We were just talking.”

              “Listen, you have to stay focused. We have a real chance here, but only if you’re one hundred percent.” Then he added as an afterthought, “Really more than one hundred percent.”

              I will be more than one hundred percent, Geri thought. I will find a way. She meant it. Coach Thorpe always managed to put that feeling inside her. She wanted to give more than one hundred percent, even if it killed her.

* * *

              More than one hundred percent turned out to not be necessary. They lucked out with Guymon’s center not being up to her one hundred percent—closer to fifty really. Even with the thrill of winning the game, Geri managed to feel a bit sorry for her. She knew the girl was a senior, and this was the last game of her high school career. And she had played badly. When Geri shook her hand after the game, she didn’t tell her “Good game” because it wasn’t. However, she did say, “See ya in the college leagues.” The girl almost smiled at that.

              Extreme highs. Extreme lows. Matt didn’t show up. Geri realized that their game had gone pretty quickly. There weren’t a lot of calls, and she only had two fouls the whole game. She had been known to foul-out at times, so two was really good for her. He was probably still taking the test or had gotten sidetracked some other way. It was okay. They would be back in two days for their next game. And in two weeks, he would be in Fishinghawk, and they would be together again.

              She managed to put Matt’s note out of her mind, although in the bus on the way home, she thought about it a few times. Too many years had passed. And then again, those families probably still get foster children to this day. Her old friend Guilt crept into her bones again, but this time guilt for what she wasn’t doing to maybe save other girls from what had happened to her.

              It was too much to think about. Not now anyway. Not with everything else going on. She had to focus. Basketball. Basketball. Basketball. It had to be her life for the next few days. And when the tournament was over, no matter what the outcome, she could think about the possibility of going to the DHS, of speaking to her dad, of Matt, of what she wanted to happen with her body, her mind, her heart.

              But not now.

* * *

              The next few days were so full of activity that Geri only had the chance to think of basketball. They played three more games and won them all. They were now in the finals. Fishinghawk hadn’t been in the state final championship game . . . ever! The town buzzed with excitement from Cook’s Café to the Donut Hole to Charlie’s QuikStop, and Coach Thorpe said they shouldn’t be surprised if the whole town drove to Stillwater for the game.

              Tensions also were running high. During an especially brutal practice, when it seemed like everyone was overextending themselves in some way, Johnna and Geri kept having run-ins. Bumping into one another on accident and then doing it again on purpose, a bit of name-calling, fouling, and one jump for the ball that brought both of them together with the ball and sent them crashing to the ground in the struggle to retain it.

              Coach Thorpe had increasingly gotten frustrated with them and finally stopped the practice after that fall, which was fixing to turn into a fight when they stood up.

              “That’s enough! We don’t need to kill ourselves before the biggest game of the year. Johnna and Geri, take a chill pill, girls.”

              Geri wasn’t sure what was going on. Tension between the two had seemed to disappear in the last month or so. Maybe it was just the anxiety associated with the state tournament. The whole team seemed on edge.

              In the locker room as they got dressed, Geri walked by Johnna who scowled at her. No words though, just a sound. But even that, Geri couldn’t ignore.

              “Keep your groans to yourself,” she said.

              “Don’t tell me what to do,” Johnna retorted.

              “Then quit acting like a baby.”

              Geri turned and waited for Johnna to say something else. The other girls were already lining up on either side of the locker room. Johnna and Geri moved toward each other.

              “Come on, you guys,” one of the JV girls said. “You get in trouble now and you won’t be going to the finals.”

              “Tell this bitch to keep her mouth shut then,” Johnna said, pointing at Geri.

              “You think it’s okay to call me a ‘bitch?’” Geri asked, walking toward her another step, her fists already clenching.

              Bird came up behind her. “Geri. Not here. Not now.”

              Geri heard the words but couldn’t hang on to them.

              “I’ll call you whatever I want.”

              Beth stepped in between them and took Johnna by the arm. “Bird’s right, girl. Don’t get in trouble now. Get off school property if you want to fight her so bad.”

              Johnna pushed her arm away and said to the whole room, “If you don’t want to be involved, get out now. But you damn well better not say anything to anyone.”

              Geri could feel the blood racing through her, her breathing shortened, her head ablaze with nothing coherent. She realized she had been carrying a lot of tension around with her, and it was ready to burst out.

              Half the locker room emptied, and the other half was taken up with pleas to let it go. Besides Geri and Johnna, the three other starters were pleading their case. One of them said she was going to get Coach Thorpe.

              “You get him and you’ll regret it,” Geri found herself saying. She felt like someone had taken over her mind and body. But it wasn’t someone else—it was just the Geri of years ago. The one who ran and fought . . . and didn’t run and fight enough.

              “Ah, sounds like you’re teasing. I hear you’re good for that. Just one big tease. That’s what Matt said anyway.”

              Geri covered the few feet between the two in no time and landed a punch against Johnna’s cheek that popped her head back. Her eyes widened in surprise, but she recovered quickly and jumped on Geri, smothering her with her weight and size. Geri tried to stay on her feet, but Johnna was forcing her to the ground and had already kicked her hard on her right thigh and kneed her in the belly. She obviously liked to fight dirty.

              Geri pushed at her, as girls circled around them, some trying to pull Johnna off, others trying to pull those girls off. Somebody grabbed Geri’s left arm and she was defenseless when Johnna punched her on the right side of her face, between her eye and cheek. The pain stung her still for a moment, and then she summoned all her strength and heaved Johnna off of her. But that movement was enough to get the rest of the team between Geri and Johnna, and the fight was over.

              But what’s more, the whole bid for the state tournament might have been over. Because standing in the doorway behind them was Coach Thorpe.

 

Geri’s Diary

How could Matt do that? Tell her of all people. I refuse to have her name in my diary. I can’t believe it. And it has to be true—how else would she know it? I certainly didn’t tell anyone . . . except for Bird, and there’s no way Bird said anything. Oh fuck it all. If he thinks everything is . . . if he thinks it’s okay to talk about me like that . . . and to HER! Screw him!

 

Nobody knows what Coach is going to do yet. I guess he won’t report us, since we weren’t called in to the office yet.   But maybe Mr. Renfro is just waiting until tomorrow. I don’t know. I don’t think he would even report it because we would get suspended again—and this time for the rest of the semester. Well, I know I would. Wouldn’t we? Or would the principal ignore it, too? He’d have the whole town against him if he suspended his star player before the state finals. Coward. I could probably light up a joint, cuss out a teacher, and set off a cherry bomb in class nowadays, and no one would say anything.

 

But Coach has a lot of integrity. I might be in for it anyway.

 

And here’s another lovely thing. My period started tonight. Just friggin lovely. That’s all I needed. I’m bloated and cramping and bleeding like a stuck pig. Thank you, body. Thank you, universe. Add a black eye and a bruised hip to the mix. Thank you, body. Thank you, universe.

 

I’m really, really tired.